I am going to get a punishment of some kind for this, a huge backlash I don't know.

But I want to be honest.

 

I think i've made a terrible mistake again.

 

Princess Leonor.

 

I am not in a mentally stable state. And emotionally as well.

And as I am reading your relays, and that my emotions are not reciprocating.

I came to realize, I made a horrendous decision based on sympathy of your suffering.

And I momentarily seen you as an additional person to a team,

rather than someone I can give affection to,

and I momentarily, self-reasoned myself to accept you in that expandable way.

I don't think that was arrogance but one that was out of my misguided sense of empathy.

 

Right now, after constant barrage of emotional rollercoaster rides, that people constantly abuse onto me,

I am deeply confused of what I feel and also became impulsive as to how I should react.

And I am not in a good place.

 

I just am coming to realize that I am making a mistake, and no love should be based on sympathy of a person suffering from detachment.

Because forced attachment by sympathy is not love, but procedure of trying to be good.

Which is self-deceptive.

And in the longrun, damaging to both of us.

 

I ask for your pardon, and from your family as well.

I did not mean to embarass you in any possible way.

I am embarassed of myself, actually.

I believe it is proper for me to retract this union.

 

Please do not feel bad.

I am not worthy.

 

I am just coming to realize how I feel.

And, I appear to be very confused and suffering from a form of impulsive decision making...

 

 

 

That is not how I feel with other girls.

But I forced myself on you and I am feeling it right now.

This very uncomfortable feeling, and very hollow.

As I am seeing these relays and trying to reciprocate myself with positive emotions.

But I can't search for it.

So where was I?

I don't know. I was in a very misguided place again.

 

 

 

As you can see, I am in desperate need of some form of therapy.

A human being wasn't meant to live like this and communicate or feel through like this.

It is haywire, chaotic within me.

You can't understand that people.

I tried to extrapolate from GPT, but it's still ambiguous.

I don't know if a psychologist can pinpoint out what is wrong with me right now.

But this is how I feel:

 

 

 

I have made a mistake in thinking that a person can be an additional member of the 'team' instead thinking in terms of affection, I was thinking in terms of empathy.

Princess Leonor, I am a deeply flawed person. I am not worthy of this attention, or your devotion.

And I must ask you to stop because I am coming to realize this in myself. And... I am not in a good place psychologically and emotionally. I will ask you and your family's forgiveness.

I was trying to force myself into love. But that is dishonesty to myself.

That certainly was not aiming at power. It was only you I was looking at.

And I was confused.

I hope you can forgive me.

It has been a very long time since I decided not to engage with you,

and you were still there, and I kept seeing that girl crying in the relays,

"10 things I hate about you."

And that is how I reciprocated.

And that is a very wrong thing.

Love is not based on empathy of someone hurting, and thinking that this person can become an additional number to the few and I would grow into love.

That was my stupidity.

I am not experienced in relationships. At all.

I, hardly meet people. I have been alone in that sense of relationships all my life.

And, this spartan view of discipline misguided me to force myself into love.

And I just recognized this, that it is coming from many years of emotional abuse that is manifesting into different form of pain.

When I meant well, I wasn't feeling.

I ask for your forgiveness.

 

I don't know what is wrong with me. All I know is that I have to find my reality.

And this illusory setting, one emotion is same as the other, I feel catatonic.

Forgive me. I did not mean any harm.

I owe you and your family a great deal and I will repay you in some way in the future as my penalty.

But please know that I meant well, but I cannot force myself into love.

 

 

I understand now that I am in a lot of pain.

And I have been suppressing that pain with callousness.

And replacing that with misguided sense of discipline.

And pushing on through. No matter what.

And I believe I applied that on Princess Leonor,

without feeling affection but empathy.

And I confused myself.

And self-reasoned with myself.

 

The last few nights, I was sleeping in sunken pain in my chest I could not ignore.

And I realized what I was doing was very wrong.

And I am coming to my senses.

 

I have no idea why anyone would be affectionate towards me.

Not in the way you are showing me Princess Leonor, if I am correct.

I am not worthy of that, and that is reserved for someone who can and will feel the same way to you.

And there will be.

 

I suppressed all pain and emotions and pushed forward with discipline, and I didn't even know what I was feeling.

 

I believe I am a broken person.

I wasn't entirely aware.

And I am just hanging on by discipline.

And...

I am torturing myself.

 

I am *getting dumber and dumber it seems.

Not by the logic but emotionally.

 

I need a break.

 

At least that I did not drag on and mislead you.

And did not waste your time.

I am being honest.

 

I am very unwell.

But as you will forgive me,

I will forgive myself of this error.

And proceed with what I need to do.