Mayumi relaying Sean Kernan's relay.

 

About a gay Tim.

 

 

wow. hahaha

 

 

I don't know what to say about this.

 

I hope this isn't something serious.

 

And Mayumi, please don't relay these things to trigger conflict.

 

 

 

He well knows I would be angry.

 

 

 

If anyone is curious, no, I don't have a transformative persona

that would turn me into a person who'd be wearing colorful clothing

and a eyeliner, walking, talking, in the language of gay people

with homosexual interests.

 

 

I do get that, my often quiet demeanor, and reserved expressions,

if not because of my jokes may lead someone to be conclusive

in their judgement of my sexual orientation, gender identity,

perhaps. Perhaps. But that would come with great prejudice.

Not evidentiary fact.

 

I see good looking people of the same gender, and I am interested

sometimes, in being friends certainly. But if they are too good looking,

I feel threatened. Because I look bad in comparison to them.

 

I get angry when I see these prejudices made on to me with judgement,

not because I disrespect people of that spectrum,

but my past is intertwined with self-identity that was developed by

series of pain. Pain of loss of, or giving up on women (rather girls,

as I was young) one after the other.

 

I did not have a normal childhood. And I grew up criticizing myself

of my inadequacy. And shameful of who my parents were. I always felt

'lower' than other people. That feeling still persists to this day.

 

I do kind of find it funny, this certain, joyous, blissful attitude

certain rhythm the gay people have. (No disrespect to this)

And I myself, I am something... in reality. Truly. Something crippled.

Decrepit. Broken. Something that can't get out of my own thoughts.

And lose track of time and life. And I certainly admire, in a fun way,

their ability to socialize with such... lightness, in a way.

 

But that is not me. I am someone who is haunted by thoughts of violence.

That animistic desire preoccupied me as I grew up, and those thoughts

of vengeance. Being able to inflict such severe damage on the people

who attempted damage on to me. It is pervasive.

 

No. I am not dangerous. But. This is a habit of the mind.

And I am not writing this to make myself sound tough or masculine.

It just became part of who I am because I grew up experiencing violence.

 

And I think, in my deepest desires. I want to be destructive on to

the person who is deserving. And my mind is often preoccupied with

such thoughts. But. I hide this. I hide it so desperately,

but especially to people who are on verge of me cracking their heads

open with a fucking mace...

 

Sorry. But. That profanity and intensity is true. And I go to the

opposite direction. Trying to look 'weak' in order to avoid conflict.

 

Steve is one of them. None of what I say now is a lie.

 

I do not want to end up in jail and waste my life.

 

 

And yes, I do need psychological help.

 

So... people. Please don't get the wrong idea.

 

Or be offended by it.

 

 

It is my own struggle. My own mental illness.

 

Which i've been struggling since I was a child.