to try and explain what my father was like,

 

imagine the temper and aggression of Mr. Tyson.

 

without the integrity, decency.

 

(no offense to Mr. Tyson, i've always been a fan)

 

and savage beatings that follow (but calculated enough so you don't get broken bones

but bloody bruises)

 

but the terror, installation of fear (into a child)

 

by threats - as if genuine effort to kill, and intensity, movements to match.

 

that sort of thing.

 

 

rather than the physical damage every 6 months or so,

 

the psychological damage, enduring that terror remains.

 

 

so one can imagine, what hatred and anger one was used to growing up.

 

and what followed was constant adrenal exhaustion of the mind.

 

and living in anxiety, preoccupied of hateful thoughts.

 

anything about self-improvement, learning. it was luxury.

 

I had no 'time' to think for myself, emotionally driven.

 

 

So I don't really understand when if anyone pushes another to emotional disturbance,

 

in order to make them become more productive? stronger?

 

because it only works to the opposite direction.

 

 

if you've been enduring emotional disturbance your entire life,

 

and you want to avoid it.

 

 

that's your goal, to become productive. peace is the state I want to be in.

 

and yet....

 

 

It's interesting how you are wired Mr Musk.

 

Conflict must drive you stronger in a way....

 

 

Not me.

 

I just want detachment and peace.