i remember at some point,

 

i yelled at mom saying in korean,

 

you are standing in the middle of a flower field,

plugging flower on top of your head,

being happy by yourself like a crazed, delirious bitch.

 

in korean that is much more offending than it sounds like in english.

 

as there was slang involved in this.

 

mom cried.

 

 

 

i was a nasty son to her. because we couldn't connect.

 

we couldn't connect intellectually, or by values in life.

 

i hated mom, and dearly loved her at the same time.

 

 

there's a movie i watched, a Chinese movie, "CJ7",

 

it's about a kid who loses his parent in a construction incident,

 

and the kid is crying to his school teacher ---

 

"he (in my case 'she') won't leave me alone!"

 

 

mom wouldn't leave me alone with love.

 

smothered me with love and wished the best for me badly. T_T....

 

 

and despite all that fight, conflict.

 

when that love just disappeared, as she died.

 

i wanted to die with her.

 

 

hope you understand how i felt.