My default setting i've acquired in the last 4 years:

 

My mind dwells in paranoia, suspicion.

 

That I am mocked by everyone, including my supposed allies.


That I am being used, that I will be betrayed.



And despite many logical arguments state that this is not the case,

Another series of arguments state that it can easily turn this way.

 

And I am sure everyone, seeing how volatile things can become,

will exploit the situation.

 

Or find the 'fun' in this.

 

I am a person. Whose emotions are toyed by your control, all of you.

I have been humiliated on public display, numerous times.

I have been threatened of mortal danger, and as a joke as well.

I am stripped of all dignity, and my emotional well-being is ignored in exchange for cruelty.

I defend myself. I fight back as is in my right to do so. But when that is in disagreement, I am yet again 'punished' by many.

I don't recognize myself these days. Despite all these aspirations to live up to. All these hopes of prospects.

It feels like, a new identity is adapting into these events, waiting to emerge - as I, myself *must be destroyed. What else do I have left? What have I got to lose but myself now?

As dramatic or exaggerated as that may sound. On the receiving end, to a person who must simply endure this abuse from all directions, and must change, adapt in order to accept this.

I hope this will end.

Ok I need sleep.

 

I don't even know what i'm writing about anymore.

 

I think i'm trying to write that i'm going insane.