Oh wow. Reading Jessica's "relay" (inserting estrogen) (whether she's trolling to anger me I don't know) it sounds like I did a transgender 'gig' on mom.

While I must have thought that was funny with an manic energy, (as you can see from Monica and Clark's chat, on "rape" and father and that crap) On the receiving end, whether towards mom or to me right now, is actually not a pleasant experience.

 

However, mom, though I don't really want to say anything bad about her. Is not entirely without blame. When I say that 'woman' (i'm going to be disrespectful here just once because I was incredibly frustrated with mom) is blocked from one ear to the next, as in, NO WORDS can get through to her, when I state --- i'm going to succeed in business. And I don't want to enter school. Coming from a very prideful family of academics, she simply wouldn't accept it.
And when I say, a literal 900th time we argued, I am being generous I believe, it was more than that. It was as if she was insane, and she took me as this 'shame'. Suddenly telling a random guest (paying rent) passively encouraging me in front of her, saying "he's the best/smartest compared to everyone else, he's the best(at something) compared to everyone else" I can't remember the words now. But. It wasn't out of pride she's said that, but out of SHAME, being therapeutic to herself. Thinking that is supportive to me as well. 2 people she's done that to. Some lady with a little toddler, and a husband who stayed at sister's house as a rental for few days type of deal, whose husband was in 3D animation, and the other time, as I was thinking about building a log cabin in Vancouver somewhere, she's making that as if that was my LIFE and my ONLY skill, towards a woman I met at childhood, whose son about 10 years younger? I tutored or something like that for a short few days. I can't remember the name for the life of me. She was asking where he went as vacation, as I replied "disneyland" (why was she asking, as if to question my intelligence) because of mom.

It was like this. My mother was so intellectually stunted that, everything that appeared on the surface WAS my identity. And it greatly ashamed her. And she relentlessly tried getting me into a path that I didn't want at the time. I wanted to go through these steps. But I can see her questioning everything about me. Questioning my intelligence, intellect, just seeing me as a BS artist. And out of that vanity and anger, I said what I said obviously predicting her reaction. Think about this, after discussing many number of times about Ms Greene, and she knowing my history since childhood, does a sudden absurd "dream" turns someone into gay/trans prospect? After discussing infinite number of times the effect my father had on me with his violence, (in a serious tone with proper reasons, that I have anger issues) does the reason suddenly turn? No. Of course not. What it was is that, my mother was so freaking dumb. She was so naive, so intellectually stunted that, she was WILLING to believe in ANYTHING I SAID in order to justify her prejudice on me, so I act with ABANDON.

I don't want to say anything bad about mom or the interaction with her all those years.

But there were numerous occassions I swore at her inside my mind. (Fucking bitch, fucking idiot, cursing my way) and I actually said this once to her, in one of those 9 years.

She cried.

And I couldn't do so anymore after.

 

There was such a severe difference in communication and values that ---- I felt like speaking to a brick wall. She was insane. (And in a way, understandably so, as I too, was technically insane, staying in my room like this, just trying to succeed through business that won't take off)

But the communication. That impossible communication that never seen any light no matter what the reasoning. No matter what, college/university was the ONLY path for her, instead trying to help me succeed in business and being constructive about it with her.

 

Several things:

While in this instance, what my sister, (if she's trying to make me look gay/trans that is her ego) (but because this event has happened, IT DOES NOT MEAN OTHER EVENTS HAS)

Such as:

1. Mom "sleeping" with me. In a biblical sense. XD <---- absurdity.
2. Me hitting her. If she's said this. I never hit her once, no physical contact.
3. What were other things she's said? Whatever it is.

So don't get confused on the matter.

 

And because I am saying bad things about my mom here, it does not mean I don't love her.

It's just that she SMOTHERED me with love, be it in an unreasonable way. She wouldn't leave me alone.

But there certainly was 'hatred' too.

You are looking at a broken family. That could not possibly connect to each other.

And I was way off. In terms of values, in terms of thought and patterns. I was in my own little world. I couldn't have connected with anyone.

The thing about this is, every person in my family operated from a place of hate and prejudice on EACH OTHER. They were willing to look at each other in a certain way.

And where that began? From father. His own violence. And the hate towards mother certainly existed here as well, why she couldn't understand the effects these actions would have on people as they grew up. She simply didn't have the intellectual capacity to understand the after-effects. To her, that self-imposed isolation, that trying to cope, that trying to find another path, values. All this had no merit. I was simply to be blamed for making these choices.

 

So the answer, is a resounding "no". No way in hell I am going to part with my genitals.
Nor did I ever wanted to. I wanted a GF not to become one. WHAT THE FUCK. It's just absurdily hilarious. I couldn't even remember it. REALLY? I said that? TRANS?

I kind of make fun of trans people now and then, going "transformers~ robots in diguise~~~."
(Nothing personal, I just didn't take it seriously)

It's a theme people. Just look at the conversation with Monica on the trolling. I'm ready to "tune in" to the troll channel.

 

But if mom were alive, I would apologize for my vanity back then. (But even as I say this, trying to lessen my ego, knowing that I am in the wrong, there is a level of hatred for her, emotional rage that rises just thinking about her.)

So no, while I love my mom. She was not someone you listened to as far as life advice.
I was defiant all the way, and I disrespected her from the core. Rebellion is what I had on her.