As I was picking up food just now, walking several hundred meters.

I believe I figured out exactly what happened.

 

Since the moment I went into this self-imposed isolation, avoiding society.

Mom prompted me to go into college almost every time we met, (which was pretty much every other day)

and most of time of the probably LITERAL 900th time (at least 100 times each year) she was relentlessly scolding me to enter college, or try to,

I came up with an excuse about father. In the initial stages of that excuse, in the initial years it was reality.

That was, I held a lot of anger inside myself due to getting beat up unreasonably over the years, and should I enter any sort of social interaction in that obese state, I would be mocked, and I may just end up in jail.

Among other reasons I came up with, that if a child was beat up since the age of 3, there are psychological issues to be resolved, emotional instabilty, and I was discussing this with her each damn time she came over. Sometimes this discussion lasted whole day and night.

And I can't even REMEMBER what we talked about. Only the topic I know.

But she was RELENTLESS.

And I believe as years pressed on, so was the pressure to get me back into society.
My attempts at marketing wasn't working out. I keep making excuse that I still can't go back.

That i'm not going to art school (pride) and I wanted to make money before I can go into my studies. Because money would get me everything I need, that is lifestyle, fitness, anything.

So each time, mom made this assertion, I retaliated with a bogus "shock" factor, that became stronger and stronger, as years went by. That I needed psychological help. And I believe that 'dream' scenario about my father was what came up as defense. XD How many times can I present same excuse about my father, and why would the same tactic work? So you conjure up a new excuse. XDDD

She just wouldn't STOP. LOL. I remember.

1. She was correct. I should have just go back inside, attempting back into school. Crashing with people despite the discrimination, that was the only way I could lose weight, and have a normal psychology, normal lifestyle, with friends.

2. I suffered from an avoidant disorder of some kind. Making up excuses no matter what, I wanted to STAY PUT. That intense fear of being part of the society again. Was it justified?

I don't know. While my mom was correct. My assumptions on fearing discrimination, witch hunts, from people, that is also correct it seems. Look at what is happening now. I am targeted.

 

But yes. Bottom line was that I was someone who needed somesort of intervention, as would an alcoholic. Had there been correct people surrounding me, correct number of people and people of good intent and power, I probably worked up the confidence and understanding to go back into the world.

Back then, I knew nothing. I just feared everything. And I was also a spoiled brat.
Material wise.

That was it.


NO. I am not in any spectrum of LGBT, gay, trans and all that.

Only dreamed of girls. But I had a lot of ego, lot of pride at the same time, zero confidence.