"I awake, from blood-thick dreams,

washing blame, from my knees"

 

Do I blame myself as the video suggest?

There was a time I blamed myself not taking my mom's advice,

on how I shouldn't get mad, shout back at my sister.

And ultimately, I believe she was caught in the fire.

 

But no. It's always been her. Always the initiation.

Motive? Nothing but my EXISTENCE.

Being born, being loved my mom, favored over her.

My sister scolded me saying as if my birth was

the beginning of her suffering when I was 17.

(She was 24)

(As she broke the glass makeup bottle on my foot)

(And when I called her a fucking bitch for the first time,

she took two kitchen knives coming over to stab me,

mom blocked her, and her thumbnail was cut in half somehow)

 

----

 

Always the attacks, stronger and stronger. (Mostly verbal after above)

She would provoke you until you can think of nothing

but what she says, and you are left driven by anger.

You can't focus on your self-development,

in that feeling of anguish.

 

She was a bitch from depths of hell itself.

 

And she planned it. I was dumb enough to fall along with her.

 

But whatever she exaggerates, I have never, ever, hurt her

physically, never. That would have immediately ended up in

my incarceration of course. But I look back at my past,

and I wish I killed her and my dad when I was a child.

 

Problem solved right there and then. xD